EXCUSELAND Is Your Comedy Escape From Reality. SPECIAL FEATURES:
IMAGE CRUNCH by Kurt Jacobs;
STRANGE WOOD by Randall Hess;
TOO MUCH COFFEE MAN (Reprint Cartoons) by Shannon Wheeler;
LA CUCARACHA (Reprint Cartoons) by LALO ALCARAZ.
Enjoy your orbit, and leave your fun prints all over the place.
Jordan Margolis and Excuseman engage in a battle of wits over authorship rights to the new novel, “Excuseman Only Tortures English”.
WHAT THE…. What kind of fuck-wittery is THIS? I told you I wanted an “Ivy League” cut! Not a “Professional!” And parted on the RIGHT! What kind of a butcher ARE you?! And goddamn it, you asshole! I said when I came in here I DON’T USE POMMADE! Now I’m gonna stink of GREASE all day! And… HOLY SHIT BALLS!! HOW DID I BECOME A BABY???!!! I’m gonna sue your balls so hard into your face, there won’t be enough mayonnaise and vinegar on the fucking *planet* for you to ever taste anything but your own *splooge* again! Let’s go, Marge.
Good evening! Well, here we are a week later with Howard Fox’s latest COMICAL WEEK IN REVIEW. And it’s been quite a week, for the news, hasn’t it? I dunno about you, but I’ve been loving the Olympics all week. It was great to see Bob Costas return as host for NBC’s Olympic coverage this week after taking the red-eye back to Sochi….but I wanna tell you, I enjoyed watching men’s figure skating most. Or was it women’s?…. Wish I could get into watching hockey. You know, If I want to watch guys having trouble scoring, I could be sitting in a bar. But you know — hockey is like a woman; both have bloody periods….In Sochi tonight, the Russian’s just completed the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics. Ironically for President Putin, he had a gay old time….Did you know today is national “Day Old Bagel Day.” A cause worthy of toasting…. And today, the Viking calendar says the world will come to a violent end. At least we now know where Harold Camping’s family comes from….Last Monday was President Day. I tell ya, those President Day sales suck. What a scam! Even Lincoln Logs aren’t even marked down…,Can you believe that 26% of Americans do not believe the earth revolves around the sun — but 74% of Jewish mothers believe otherwise….Earlier on “The View,” Barbara Walters admits she has a name for her vibrator. She calls it ‘Selfie.’ She also says her vagina loves to Snapchat….A Pizza Hut manager was caught on video peeing onto the restaurant’s utensils. And here I thought their pizzas were pure crap….In Arizona, a guy claimed he lost his stash of marijuana due to having a pot hole in his pants….In a recent tweet, Kim Kardashian denies getting butt implants. This, coming from an asshole…. Hey, why did the TSA hire a dentist? Because they needed to do a cavity search. But you know….And hey, let me tell you about Sarah Palin. She is so dumb, she thinks the snow on her tv screen means she’s watching the Weather Channel….Willie Nelson disclosed, that the first time he ever smoked a joint, was when his parents put him in a high chair…. TMZ reports Snooki is expecting her second child. They also report that SeaWorld is willing to pay big bucks for it….and Dylan Farrow recently claims she woke up with a Woody…. Even wonder how the Pope jerks off? He pontificates…Chris Christie is said to keep a low profile as the governors meet in Washington. That will change, once he finds the all-you-can-eat buffet….Talking about food — screw all the fancy diet plans! I found the quickest way to shed over one hundred pounds is to get yourself a divorce…. A little bit about me; even though I’m Jewish – and against mother’s wishes – I’ve decided to convert to digital…. And I’ve never done LSD. True — but I have dropped a few Centrum Silvers….For my health I recently bought the Jack LaLanne Juicer. They were having a liquidation sale….I tell ya, I’m getting so old, I now rely on cue cards to tell my jokes here…. In fact, you know you’re getting old – when you wake up with the Universal remote in your hand and mistake it for morning wood….Well — that’s this week’s COMICAL WEEK IN REVIEW! Hope you all had a few laughs!
While dating a Scottish woman is clearly a risky undertaking under any circumstances, it should be noted that it can be an *especially* dangerous venture to suggest “splitting the check” at dinner. And really, pardner? At Panera Bread of all places? Dude. You so deserve that hole in your vitals. (STRANGE WOOD by Randall Hess)
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